People told me before that I should love myself, I should talk to myself nicely, and I should spend more time with myself, being single. I understood these things with my brain, but I had no idea how to do it. Along the way I came across some techniques and thoughts that made me deeply understand these advices and how I could take them.
1. You are enough.
You are the result of your past experiences. Your genetics, your parents, your childhood friends, your partners, the society you live in, your life events and even the weather had an effect on the present you. Some researches say the traits of a living organism depend 30% on their genetics and 70% on their environment.
Every little thing that happened to you had some sort of effect on you. The things your parents did while you were in the womb, the way you were born, the way your caregivers commended you, the words they used often, your toys, your friends, the knowledge you gained, the movies you watched, the music you listened to. Even a small thing, like a smile from a shopkeeper can change your day, and your overall well-being, which has effect on the choices you make through the day. And this is the same for everyone!
One of my friends used to say nobody is to blame for anything, nothing is their fault. I would start to argue with her, saying everyone is the maker of their own fortune. But then I understood.
The way you are right now is the way you can be. Your life and your personality is the result of the tremendous things that happened to you. You get to discover more and more connections between your past experiences and your present thoughts and actions as you study yourself more, but most of these connections still remain cryptic. But that is okay. The point is that you are getting more aware.
It doesn’t mean that you have no responsibility, you still are a sensible being, you can practice and change your thoughts, your behavior, your environment. But don’t be too harsh on yourself, you are doing your best.
Maybe your best is having a rest, or sleeping “too much”. Maybe you need it. You know your reasons. And if you start to look at things more objectively, you’ll be able to differentiate between reason and excuse.
You are you, your flawed self, imperfect, human. And that is enough. You are enough.
2. Treat yourself
As a human you have basic needs. We often don’t even realize that these basic needs like hunger, thirst, need for a rest, for some simple joy, for human touch are very important regarding of our self care and well being. Or rather our relationship with these needs, the way we ignore them or making our best to meet them.
Pay attention on what you need, and try giving it to yourself. Are you thirsty but you won’t stop working to fill your glass and drink? Why? Well, actually the reason is not that important. But please, take the time and get up for that drink. Are you feeling hungry? Then feed yourself. Take naps when you need and can. Do you want a cup of tea but you’re too lazy to get up and make it? Well move your ass and make that tea. Think of it like this: if someone who is close to your heart were with you and said, “Oh, I’d really like some peppermint tea…”, would you get up and make it for them? You would, right? Then make that person you, who you would do it for!
It’s a small, kind of boring, and it’s weird to call it a technique, but it works. Most of us need more self-confidence. You start to trust, confide in someone’s love, when they act like they love you, not just tell you they do, right? You can confide in yourself more if you show yourself some love in these small acts and make some tea or nice dinner for yourself. You want someone to take care of you? Then be that person!
3. Talk to the inner child
We all were kids, who was hurt at a point in time. That little child still lives in us in our thoughts, acts, words. Figuratively speaking, of course.
Did you need something in your childhood that you didn’t get? Comfort after a hard day at school, some attention, some boundaries maybe? The past is gone, although you might still operate from that unmet need in some ways. But you can be that adult who helps the child to get through. You can “talk” to your inner child, listen to it, comfort it.
When you feel sad, angry, exhausted, shallow, empty, try and find that kid, who is you in the past, and ask them how they are feeling. You can write in a notebook about it or you can just talk in your head. Imagine the child having those feelings you are having, and listen to the kid carefully. Be there for them. It’s okay to feel bad for yourself, feel free to sorry yourself sometimes. You are hurt and your feelings are there, they need to be listened to, and you will be the one who will listen and comfort yourself, like a good parent. Feel sorry for the poor child in you, they are hurting!
It helps you find that voice, with which you can talk to yourself kindly, with empathy. You also need to fulfill your physical needs, that I talked about, like you would take care of a child, gain their trust, prove that you are there for them, and emotional support is very important too. You might find it easier to love that kid in you, and be kinder to them than to your present self. You might feel more comfortable with the willingness to give the kid everything they need, than your adult needs. But maybe it’s hard and you don’t feel like you love that little person, it’s okay. It will come with practice. Just make the child trust you by just being there and not expecting anything in exchange. As I said in a previous article, ask yourself or your inner child, how they are feeling!
And lastly, make sure that you take good care of your health, like you would take care of a child’s. Feed yourself proper, healthy meals, get enough sleep, cut coffee and smoking, you get the idea.
4. Don’t talk bad to or of yourself
If this is too abstract for you, try this: when you have self loathing thoughts or words, question them. If a friend of yours would come to you with the exact same problem, would you say them those things that you tell yourself? Would you tell them that they are stupid and can’t do anything right? You wouldn’t, probably. Then why would you be so hard on yourself? It’s not only unnecessary, it’s toxic and unhelpful. Try to comfort yourself the way you would comfort a friend. Tell yourself about the lovable traits you recognize in you, the achievements you are proud of, the future possibilities you have.
If you catch yourself saying to yourself “I’m such an idiot”, change it right away! Say something like “Well, I’m not really an idiot, I just made a mistake. I’ll make it right.” You can have these conversations in your head, like almost all of us do, but sometimes you say such things when you are with someone. If that person is close to you, you can correct yourself loudly, if they are good friends they would understand. For example: “I was such an idiot, I forgot my wallet at home again and got late from work. Well, I’m not an idiot, I’m just forgetful when I’m in a hurry. You know I try not to say bad things about me anymore.” Maybe you’ll inspire them to stop self loathing thoughts themselves, too.
Is it weird to say nice things to yourself? Well, in Hungary for example, it is weird. You are expected to be overly humble. But that’s not a very healthy way of living. Knowing your strengths doesn’t make you a show off or a bad person, quite the opposite. People with low self esteem tend to judge other people more. And you won’t be walking around with a huge sign saying “I’M THE MOST WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING I KNOW”, it’s a self work. (Although I would have no problem with people protesting their worth.) You tell about it to the people you chose to. The best thing that can happen to you in this life if you fall in love with yourself, you shouldn’t care about anyone who disagrees.
One more thing: your worth isn’t compared to anyone else. It is independent of anyone else. It’s very important that you realize that you are not smarter than your coworker, better looking than your neighbor. You are just smart and good looking. Or whatever traits you have. And after a while you will realize, that your worth isn’t defined by brains or looks. You are worthy because you exist.